An Ode to Heartbreak and Finding Myself Again

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heartbroken girl staring at mobile phone
heartbroken girl staring at mobile phone. Credit: pexels-mikotoraw-photographer-3367850

September was the month I moved halfway across the world for love. Little did I know heartbreak is waiting for me. A year ago, I arrived in Rome during a raging pandemic after battling against paperwork, visas, canceled flights, and quarantine arrangement.

My four-years relationship ended in less than a day, even before the 14 days quarantine period was over. I was shocked and blindsided to say the least. In hindsight, I saw this coming. Our relationship was rocky towards the end. We wanted different things – I wanted a plan, clarity while he wanted to find himself again. He told me that I didn’t understand what he was going through as I have never moved continent before. I didn’t remember what we were arguing about, but the moment he said ‘I couldn’t do this anymore’ is etched in my brain. I could have sworn my heart stopped beating for a whole minute.

I remembered calling my parents and close friends, crying my eyes out. I received various bits of advice ranging from doing the whole degree remotely from Singapore to giving it a try in Rome at least one semester before going back. I felt like abandoning the master’s degree, but my pride didn’t let me. I reminded myself that it has always been my dream to live in Europe. I didn’t know where in particular though, I had this idea regardless of my then boyfriend’s nationality.

I won’t lie that he was half of the reason I moved continent, leaving my comfort zone, stable job, friends in the middle of pandemic nevertheless. Fortunately, the other fifty percent was my own damn reason. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here writing this piece in my Rome apartment.

The following months were heavy. Getting back to studying after eight years in the corporate world was not easy. I spent days switching between online lectures and me googling how to get over a breakup or dealing with depression. However, this period was when I reconnected with my faith, spirituality, God, whichever name you call it. I discovered what is mindfulness and my mindful journey begins.

Now that my birthday is in four months and I’m nowhere near where I want to be in my 30s, I learn to be kind to myself. I am enough, regardless of my job or relationships. I was a control freak – honestly, I still am. But I’m learning to let go, living day by day, and appreciating myself. I didn’t die from this experience despite the dark days in isolation. I realized that often, we are stronger than we think we are. The universe sent all sorts of people my way, some as a lesson in exercising boundaries, practice in observing emotions, discipline, and some strangers turn to new friends.

So, here is a happy big fat breakup anniversary to me! Thinking back, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I fell in love with this city that represents a toxic boyfriend so perfectly.

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If you are having a similar experience and need a friend to talk to, feel free to dm me on instagram. Please share this post if it helps or resonates with you, that will make my day 🙂


  1. Be strong my daughter, your Abba Father Jesus Christ always love you, lead you and teach you day by day, protect you from covid 19 and all variance and form harm. He will bless you in every area of your life. You are not alone in Rome, Abba Father Jesus Christ and Holly Spirit always be with you. Everything in God control, your future in God’s hand.
    We always pray for you nonik, Jesus 💕 you and we 💕 you too.
    Big hug…Mami n papi

  2. BELIEVE IN THE HANDS AND EYES OF GOD JESUS ​​always protects HIS children who depend and take refuge in HIS FATHER who designs the future of HIS children. My daughter I always love you and always support you in everything as a father in this world.

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