An Ode to Heartbreak and Finding Myself Again

September was the month I moved halfway across the world for love. Little did I know heartbreak is waiting for me. A year ago, I arrived in Rome during a raging pandemic after battling against paperwork, visas, canceled flights, and quarantine arrangement.

My four-years relationship ended in less than a day, even before the 14 days quarantine period was over. I was shocked and blindsided to say the least. In hindsight, I saw this coming. Our relationship was rocky towards the end. We wanted different things – I wanted a plan, clarity while he wanted to find himself again. He told me that I didn’t understand what he was going through as I have never moved continent before. I didn’t remember what we were arguing about, but the moment he said ‘I couldn’t do this anymore’ is etched in my brain. I could have sworn my heart stopped beating for a whole minute.

I remembered calling my parents and close friends, crying my eyes out. I received various bits of advice ranging from doing the whole degree remotely from Singapore to giving it a try in Rome at least one semester before going back. I felt like abandoning the master’s degree, but my pride didn’t let me. I reminded myself that it has always been my dream to live in Europe. I didn’t know where in particular though, I had this idea regardless of my then boyfriend’s nationality.

I won’t lie that he was half of the reason I moved continent, leaving my comfort zone, stable job, friends in the middle of pandemic nevertheless. Fortunately, the other fifty percent was my own damn reason. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here writing this piece in my Rome apartment.

The following months were heavy. Getting back to studying after eight years in the corporate world was not easy. I spent days switching between online lectures and me googling how to get over a breakup or dealing with depression. However, this period was when I reconnected with my faith, spirituality, God, whichever name you call it. I discovered what is mindfulness and my mindful journey begins.

Now that my birthday is in four months and I’m nowhere near where I want to be in my 30s, I learn to be kind to myself. I am enough, regardless of my job or relationships. I was a control freak – honestly, I still am. But I’m learning to let go, living day by day, and appreciating myself. I didn’t die from this experience despite the dark days in isolation. I realized that often, we are stronger than we think we are. The universe sent all sorts of people my way, some as a lesson in exercising boundaries, practice in observing emotions, discipline, and some strangers turn to new friends.

So, here is a happy big fat breakup anniversary to me! Thinking back, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I fell in love with this city that represents a toxic boyfriend so perfectly.

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If you are having a similar experience and need a friend to talk to, feel free to dm me on instagram. Please share this post if it helps or resonates with you, that will make my day 🙂